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Originally posted by NannyJen:
I agree with Emme -- move on.

This thread wasn't started to talk about who likes Nettie and who doesn't. It was for a nanny to vent and share an experience. If you don't have advice on THAT subject, don't post here.

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The difference here is that we sort of know Nettie through these boards. We don't know her employers. At this time, we are here to support those that are on these boards because they come here for support. Sometimes we need a wake up call and it is OK to have a different opinion.

She is the one taking the risk by saying things about her bosses. She is going to be the one responsible at the end of the day. Let her take that risk. I will be here to be a shoulder to cry on because she has let me cry on her shoulder.

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Originally posted by sportsfan:
I'm with Emme...
GO YANKS!!!!!

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Originally posted by AFgirl8979:

Kate-
What is the point of these boards if we can't freely talk and vent about our daily lives. Like everyone has mentioned, it's only healthy to vent our frustrations. I find it very humerous that this ONE time Nettie has complained about her bosses she is getting attacked. What about everyone else's post about their bosses. Why hasn't anyone else "warned" them??? I think we all know that Nettie is well respected and loved and maybe some of you are a little jealous of that and the first time you can find something to say negative about her post you jump in and do just that.

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AFgirl8979

If you will go back and read my post that you quote here, you will see that I opened by saying I agree we all need to vent sometimes. I too, have vented, somewhat vehemently at times, but I did it on private boards, where membership is restricted to nannies.

However, this board is a PUBLIC board attached to a site where potential nanny employers come for information and advice. Agency owners come here also. When they read posts calling employers loopy, clueless about their own children or contain otherwise derogetory or mean-spirited remarks, which were written by nannies who describe themselves as professionals, it sheds a bad light on all nannies. Would we allow our charges to say such things about their parents in an open public way and get away with it. I don't think so. I am not calling anyone a child, we just need to hold ourselves to the same standard. On a PUBLIC forum we need to be people of intergity and behave with character and respect for our employers and each other.

I'm just talking about ways to better my currently pretty crappy position that I'd like to keep somehow someway and make things with momboss do a 180... and to get advice of what's worked, and what hasn't. And to rage, vent and get support. Because lord knows that no one around here understands anything of what I go through on an everyday basis in 'nanny land.'

It is such a completely different type job from anything else on the planet. You literally walk into someone else's life and help them with their most precious cargo. Of course things are going to go haywire every now and then... and hopefully most of the times the wire can be untangled!

I'm glad that some of you respect me and some of you don't. I feel the same way about all of you too. But you can be sure that I'll keep my opinions to myself about it! That's not exactly the point of these boards. No one wins at the end of the day if everyone likes you or hates you because of your opinions, posts, or views on things.

***People win*** when you give facts, stories and examples of what's worked and what hasn't in situations that nannies/parents are asking about. It's all a HUGE learning process, and I think ANYONE'S posts should be taken with a grain of salt. They are what they are- take it or leave it.

And about the holier-than thou- stuff... yup- just call me St. Nett from now on. That'll be good enough.

I seriously hope you were being as sarcastic about that comment as I just was!!

And professionalism... on some days it ends when I start my car up and drive away from my job. Other days, not so much. Again--- as it does with everyone on here.

Glad I could be an example for these things though!

Momboss and I decided to sit down and chat before dadboss got home tonight.... then we'll all talk again tomorrow with dadboss there.

I think the big theme running through our conversation dealt with some things that MTMG's has referenced now and again.

She just frankly hates it that everything is so well taken care of when she's not there. She can go away for 3 days, come back and I've taken care of everything. The house is clean, the errands are done. The kids school things are done. The kids are well and in good spirits... She gets 'crazy' when all of a sudden she feels the kids are having a a better time with me than they are with her, or when I'm handling a situation with ease, because I've dealt with it in different jobs, that she has trouble with pertaining to the kids.

She admitted that she at first didn't even want me to bond with the kids because then she thought they'd forget about her...

It makes her feel like she's un-needed. And that 'bugs the shit out of her.' That's where the anger the other day stemmed from--- I was taking care of the things that happened at school. She felt like she didn't need to be there- and so she took her hostility out on me. I made it a joke today (because it was a very serious conversation), but I told her that she just needed to calm down when she spoke to everyone in the house, including me because the next time this happens- I am packing my things in a grocery bag, putting my bike and bikerack on my car and will not be returning.

And I think she finally 'got' what really happened, and how out of line she was. She kept saying 'I thought I told you I was sorry!' Over and over she said this. 'Nettie I like you so much- I can't believe I didn't say I was sorry!'

She wanted to talk to me before dadboss got home because she's talked to him about this and he 'always' takes my side. And that also makes her mad.

SO: we just started brainstorming ways to make things better.

She is scared that if she gives me the reins, that takes them away from her.

I told her that this wasn't the case. We both hold them together and good things will happen. I told her that she originally hired me to make her life easier... and that's what we need to focus on. Ways to do that.

We are actually going to write down a PARENT/NETTIE list of duties- and be VERY specific... so that she does the things that she really wants to do and then I can take over the rest. I'm totally fine with that, and it'll make her feel a TON better.

I also quickly touched upon the parents fighting part... and she honestly was shocked when I asked her "Do you realize how much you and dadboss fight? And infront of the kids and me? It's like you don't communicate with words anymore-- just verbal assults on each other..." I really, really don't believe she even realizes that is what's happening... it's just become something they've gotten used to. I will bring this up more when dadboss is present.

I was VERY, VERY surprised. It was a GREAT conversation.

I'm actually excited to sit down with both of them tomorrow.

She thanked me for the 'cheery' conversation, as she put it as I was leaving tonight.

Amazing what good communication can do--- it's just nerve racking getting there sometimes!!!!

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Originally posted by Breanne:
[B]

Perfectable, this post went on for over a page before a side besides oh-poor-nettie was touched upon. And the posters who did so weren't even a little cruel about it.

[B]

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Breanne- I can't really make sense of what you're trying to say here.

As for the rest, I refer back to the end of my previous poste:

Perhaps in the future we can take the initial poster's stress level and actual problem into consideration before we start calling them out on new faux pas. Perhaps if we really do need to address said faux pas we could do it in another thread.

Take it easy all. YANKEES RULE!!!

Edited for spelling errors.

I wanted to ask you a question...
Thanks!

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Originally posted by nettiethenanny:
I think the big theme running through our conversation dealt with some things that MTMG's has referenced now and again.

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Originally posted by nettiethenanny:
I've had a day now to cool down about this... but I will describe what happened and then what I have planned to do about this.
Friday was super with my 3 year old. He goes to school Mon-Thurs( I didn't know he had Friday's off until I walked in the door on Friday). We came home, he layed down for nap with NO FUSS or want for mom, as we went up the back stairway on the other side of the house away from her office.

Momboss came down about 10 minutes later as I was putting groceries away and asked where 3 year old was. I said napping. 'What? He didn't need his momma?' Said with a shocked look on her face. 'No. He went down great. He'll be thrilled to see you when he wakes up though! We had a great day today...' And as I started to explain what we did she cuts me off and tells me that her and dadboss are going out on the boat for a date and will back around supper time. She then out of the blue asks me what happened to 3 year olds homework that was in his book bag at the beginning of the week. 'It had to be back to school by Wednesday, and you were traveling, so we did it on Tuesday night and it went back the next day.' As rage flashes across her eyes she literally makes a pouty face with her lips and tells me that 'Momma is the one who does homework with the kids.' And she walked out of the room. I didn't reply because I knew better not to at that moment.

Skip ahead 45 minutes. My 5's teacher calls from school. Asks for momboss. I say she's unavailable, could I take a message. Teacher asks if this is the nanny. I say yes. Teacher tells me that my 5 has been biting, kicking and pinching all day at school and asks if we could please address this at home and attempt to solve the problem. Gives me the basics of what went on, and I thanked her and we hung up. My 5 gets off the bus, my 3 is still napping. I sit my 5 down at the table and ask him how his day went as we get something out to drink and explain that we are going to do a popcorn experiment. He looks at me and says "I was naughty today, Nettie." And we very calmly talked about what happened (I told him I knew because the teacher called), and what better choices he could have made. Just happens that there's one kid in his class that he just isn't getting along with. He says the kid is mean to him. And on we went with our afternoon after this, as I told him I would talk to momboss and dadboss about this.

Skip ahead 1 hour. Momboss comes in asks if 5 had a good afternoon after getting off the bus. I say 'WONDERFUL! He had an awesome time with our popcorn experiment and apple painting today!' And I asked her if I could talk to her the other room away from the boys. I then told her that the teacher called, what she said and that I had talked to 5 year old very, very briefly about it to find out story.

SHE BLOWS UP! Swearing like a sailor, telling me that she's going to talk to the principal and have the teacher fired on Monday morning for having the audacity to call the house and discuss her son with ME and not mom or dad. She says the teacher knows they are sooo involved with their kids life-- why on earth would she call the house and discuss this with anyone but them? And why hadn't I just stopped her in mid sentence and told her that I wasn't authorized to talk to her about their child and she'd have to call back and reach them at a later time? And then very bluntly cursing at me at the top of her lungs telling me that if dadboss knew that I had talked to the 5 year old about this already I would be fired tomorrow- no today in fact. Telling me that I had sooo crossed over the bounds of anything that my duties were and that I was never, ever to do that again. No way was I to dicipline her child for something he did at school. She went on to rant at me that's why the 5 hates me because I'm not her, and he hates that I'm here when he gets home from school and not her because her 'stupid job' takes her traveling away from her family all of the time so that she can't be a mom. (Feel free to insert your own cuss words every other word... that's what I actually heard throughtout her entire tirade)

As I picked my jaw off the floor and could feel my face getting red, while she's running from room to room screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs yelling at the 5 that he is NOT going to piano because he's been so naughty and he is going to get it from mom and dad..... I follow her asking "momboss did you even hear a word I said? I told you that we merely discussed what happened and I told him that you and dadboss would talk to him again after I talked to you about what went on today!"

"Nettie- you are the f-ing nanny. We are the parents. You crossed the f-ing line and that's what the story is. I can't f-ing believe his teacher did this and I can't believe you just f-ing did this!!!!!

She then got her checkbook out to write a reimbursement check and said through clenched teeth 'you can go now.'

I walked out to my car and burst into tears as soon I shut the door and drove away not really clearly understanding what had just trasnspired. Just driving.

10 minutes later she calls me- tells me that the 5 told her on the way to his piano lesson (she took him despite) that 'Mommy I was naughty today, and Nettie and I talked about it and we came up with good ideas for it not to happen again. I'll tell you about it as long as you don't yell, okay? Are you going to yell at me.' She told me that she tried her hardest just to listen, but that it didn't work very well because she was so mad... and Then after she was done I just spewed "momboss! WHat is my job? I guess I'm just not really clear? I'm seeing that you need a nanny immensely, but that you don't want a nanny? In my previous positions- I've been in charge of the children. That's what a nanny does. I have worked hand in hand with the parents...' And before I could go any further she makes the remark 'Oh, better me taking this out on you than the teacher, right?' And she chuckles about it. At that point--- I told her to have a nice weekend and hung up the phone.

My plan is to call a momboss and dadboss meeting as soon as my 3 goes to school on Monday and explain play by play what happened on Friday to dadboss infront of momboss, as I know that he would NOT have fired me for this (dadboss tends to be the voice of reason when it comes to the kids). And I want them both to hear again what was said and that it was soooo unprofessional and I will be damned if I am treated that way by anyone. Never in my life have I had an employer speak to me like that! I can put up with sooo much, but being talked to like that- NO. And to explain to them that I am so stinkin tired of no one being on the same page as anyone else, left hand totally not knowing what the right hand is doing--- and I am so tired of the constant arguing in the house all of the time- yelling, screaming, swearing, slamming door kind of crap (who really needs the nanny is what I always think!)--- so what can we all do to make this sutation better.

When I got home on Friday night I was online searching for other nanny positions, not really thinking about even keeping this one any longer and I couldn't believe my eyes when I came across two very comparable positions with 2 different OUT of the house working sets of parents about 15 minutes further commute. Totally shocked and in awe of seeing them posted. It was like a blinking vacancy sign after driving all night long! Perhaps its an omen. I don't know.

I just refuse to be treated as Cinderella. I honestly believe that Momboss thinks of me as part of the family now and so she is beginning to treat me like she does her husband. That's how mom and dadboss communicate. Through yelling and temper tantrums. All day long, which has gotten worse and worse the more they both travel for their work.

Their family needs a nanny. But they don't want one.

I'm also pretty sure that alcohol had something to do with her major outburst at me since I know that they took a full cooler stocked out to the boat with them for the afternoon.

Edited to add... Not even sure if this is worth talking to them about, as dadboss' job will be taking him traveling literally 1/2 of the next year starting next week. And momboss' position will have her traveling more heavily the next 6 months or so, and she's already gone 1-3 days per week... which leaves me taking more and more responsibility with the kids that obviously she doesn't want me to have? I just don't know... But who's supposed to care for the children then?

[This message has been edited by nettiethenanny (edited 09-18-2005).]

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Originally posted by mommytomygirls:
Good. I hope that means I was helpful to you!

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Extremely helpful. I went back and read a few of your posts from here and there, and what you thought may be momboss' deal...

THANKS!

Anyways, nettie, glad things are looking better for the time being. In my last position momboss felt as yours is at first. Her mom (the grandma) explained that she should be happy to know that the kids love me and are happy while she is gone. She also mentioned that I had more experience than her and she should let me teach her a few things.

I also made sure to let her know my feelings on kids and their caregivers. As much as they like/love me, I in no way compare to their parents. Kids know who their parents are and there is no other love that comes close to that. I love the kids and care for them, but never do I even try to take the place of a parent.

It's good that you will sit down and get to know exactly where the line is.

Good luck!

I posted another thread about family/friends giving nanny-employers a hard time for having a nanny. I wonder if your momboss is getting some of that from somewhere as well. It sure is no fun having that thrown at you on top of everything else.

She needs to realize, too, that she IS in charge of her boys. SHE is their mom, SHE makes the decision of who their caregiver will be, namely you. She needs to trust her own judgement in choosing you.

I questioned her decision to have this business that she is running. But I'm re-thinking that. Why should she have to give it up? I don't think she should. She's working hard, and ought to reap the benefits of her skills and abilities. The connections she is making surely can help her boys in the future. She obviously makes enough money to make sure that all the other areas of her life are on track. If it were me, and I made that kind of money, I would hire out every possible thing I could in order to free up time for my children. A personal assistant, household manager, office assistant, housekeeper, a cook, a nanny, an interior designer even, for Pete's sakes, to decorate the boys rooms. Again, just because she would delegate that responsibility to someone else doesn't mean she doesn't have a say. It doesn't mean she's not being a MOM!

She just needs to get comfortable with all this success, and relax. Delegate as much as she can, so she can spend time with her boys when she has the free time.

You say that she and her husband came from nothing and they are very proud of their accomplishments. Well, maybe she just doesn't think about delegating all this - maybe it was never part of her background. That's where I got the idea that maybe she is one of the first in her family to be so successful, to have a nanny, etc. Maybe that is messing with her head and she feels guilty about it or something.

Have you heard of the mid-west work ethic? I grew up in Wisconsin and Illinois, granddaughter of immigrants - it's the idea that you work hard, do it all yourself, etc. I'm the first in my family to be somewhat financially successful, and to have a nanny and a housekeeper. It's wonderful, but I do feel a little awkward about it around my family.

You're from the midwest?? Never would've known!!

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Originally posted by mommytomygirls:
Nettie, I know you want to make this work if possible. I was thinking more about your momboss today. Again, I don't excuse her behavior, but I'm trying to understand it and perhaps that understanding will help your relationship with her.

I posted another thread about family/friends giving nanny-employers a hard time for having a nanny. I wonder if your momboss is getting some of that from somewhere as well. It sure is no fun having that thrown at you on top of everything else.

She needs to realize, too, that she IS in charge of her boys. SHE is their mom, SHE makes the decision of who their caregiver will be, namely you. She needs to trust her own judgement in choosing you.

I questioned her decision to have this business that she is running. But I'm re-thinking that. Why should she have to give it up? I don't think she should. She's working hard, and ought to reap the benefits of her skills and abilities. The connections she is making surely can help her boys in the future. She obviously makes enough money to make sure that all the other areas of her life are on track. If it were me, and I made that kind of money, I would hire out every possible thing I could in order to free up time for my children. A personal assistant, household manager, office assistant, housekeeper, a cook, a nanny, an interior designer even, for Pete's sakes, to decorate the boys rooms. Again, just because she would delegate that responsibility to someone else doesn't mean she doesn't have a say. It doesn't mean she's not being a MOM!

She just needs to get comfortable with all this success, and relax. Delegate as much as she can, so she can spend time with her boys when she has the free time.

You say that she and her husband came from nothing and they are very proud of their accomplishments. Well, maybe she just doesn't think about delegating all this - maybe it was never part of her background. That's where I got the idea that maybe she is one of the first in her family to be so successful, to have a nanny, etc. Maybe that is messing with her head and she feels guilty about it or something.

Have you heard of the mid-west work ethic? I grew up in Wisconsin and Illinois, granddaughter of immigrants - it's the idea that you work hard, do it all yourself, etc. I'm the first in my family to be somewhat financially successful, and to have a nanny and a housekeeper. It's wonderful, but I do feel a little awkward about it around my family.

Anyway, some ramblings...

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I'm trying to come up with a way to bring this train of thought up tomorrow... because it's a good one.

They by FAR are more financially successful than anyone in the rest of their family, on both sides. Momboss grew up with a high number of brothers and sisters who shared everything, and where HER mom did EVERYTHING for them. But of course, her mom never went to an out of the house job either.

So a lot of what she's thinking I'm sure is derived from how she was raised--- that mom can do it all. Times have changed however. And I agree that she needs to embrace the luxuries that are available to her because of the financial success.

She also mentioned, now that I think about, shortly before this all went down that she'd never think of hiring a housecleaner because that's her job as a 'mom.' Also- she was/is really cautious about what household things she lets me do(until we make this list), because she asked me one day 'Well- if you did everything- what would I do then? I wouldn't feel like a mom if I didn't do those things.' Well, those things add WAY too much stress for her to handle I think.

Enter: nanny. Stage left.

And dadboss came from a very blue-collar house where his mom had an in-home daycare... and momboss mentioned today that was her main fear when she had her first child, that dadboss' mom would just take over because she knew better and had years of experience.

Interesting.

Nonetheless I really think this entire situation is fixable now. Doesn't make it any less challenging, but I do think it can be made to run smoother.

Nettie, if anyone can turn this bad situation around, it will surely be you!

I admire and commend the way you are handeling this situation with your boss.
I don't know of many nannies who would do what you are doing! I am sure you will come out on top! I have always felt like you have had WINNER written all over you!

(I just wanted to add that I had a similiar work exp. (not in the nanny world) but boy does this lady sound like one of my past bosses- especially the yelling part.
She used to do that to everyone- and many quit the minute she was done.
I just stayed calm and we spoke about everything that was bothering each of us- and we both grew so much- and bonded for life! Now 10 years later she is one of my closest friends.

And I really feel this is what will happen in your situation too!

Thank you for sharing, you are an inspiration to me!

Thank you all for making me a better nanny! Everyone's view is so different on each topic that you really receive the full spectrum of info when you ask questions or voice complaints/kudos here.

It's so great to learn from sharing on these boards with all of you!!!!!

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Originally posted by hg0079:
Dare I comment here? Will my post be taken with a grain of salt because I post often.

Do I have a relationship with Nettie off of these boards? Yes! You better believe I do. I am lucky to! Nettie might come across to some of you as holier then thou guess what... she has spend time and energy into the nanny profession and knows what she is talking about. She has made me want to be a better Nanny.

Any nanny can find themselves in an employment setting that isn't what they thought it would be. The dust settles/the honeymoon is over and bam! Nettie is doing a very professional thing. She knows that is isn't ok to be talked to like that. She also won't walk away from this job with out doing it the professional way. When she goes to hire on in the future (my guess is the near future) she knows that when you try to make things work and give a little it comes back 10 fold in the future and can help.

So all you nannies and employers out there (YOU know who you are, I would list you but will leave someone out.)that have oddles of info and expertise please share those opinions. Maybe they are just a grain of salt but that adds up!

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I was going to tease you about this earlier... so how much do I owe you for the bodyguard services?

Thank you for the very kind words however. The are very appreciated.

Anyway, she needs to appreciate her talents in her business and focus on doing them. Family and business - that should be her focus. Leave the cleaning, decorating, scheduling home repairs, remodeling, everything else to someone else - even running errands - get someone else to get the groceries, go to the post office, get the car washed. I hope she has an accountant and bookkeeper and isn't trying to manage her own finances and taxes as well! She will just go insane.

Another point - she needs to realize that now is the time to focus on her business and make the money. She may not always be doing so well financially. And if the money is flowing in right now, she needs to keep it coming in. Having your own business can be so touch and go, clients will love you today and hate you tomorrow. She should not feel guilty for working, socking away the cash for a rainy day, college, retirement, whatever. I hope she isn't over-spending, either, because that will cause a huge amount of stress and add to the whole mess.

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Originally posted by luv_kids:
You're from the midwest?? Never would've known!!

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Didn't you catch my Chicago Cubs post?

A housecleaner? A cook? A chauffer? A decorator? Maybe, yes, there are Moms who do all those things and more.

But to me, a real true Mom is someone who loves, raises, nurtures, and protects a child.

If you really want this position to work out, I really hope it does for you.

Just remember as i stated before once anyone whther they are a nanny or not are unhappy or has more negative issues to say about their current position then it is time to move on.

I have learned at a conference last weekend "you must like what you do and do what you like"

We all need other nannies to vent to and I in the past have done my share. Then after talking to my sister, I realized it was time to move on. It was one of the best decisions I have made.

If you are able to make it work .... good for you! I hope that is what makes you happy in the long term. We all deserve to be happy.

Tried to have the familiy talk with dadboss yesterday included... and his reply as he was rushing out of the door- "Nettie what you posted in your email about your talk with momboss was great. You two go with it. Glad you could get things worked out together. You know I'm okay with pretty much anything you two decide. You hit it right on the head as to why things are the way they are. As for our bickering-- our jobs are hard, our lives are hard... and sometimes that's all you feel like doing with someone is blowing up at them. No excuse, but just how it is. Have you noticed the past couple days how we've talked more? (I have!) Thanks for bringing your points up and we'll just go from here.'

And out the door he ran. I think I'm okay with this, because as far as my job goes- he usuauly agrees to what goes on as long as myself and momboss agree. He tends to trust my opinion more than hers... as sad as that sounds.

Momboss thanked me profusely for the folow-up email about the conversation together explaining why I thought she was thiniking what she is and what we can do to make that better... We sat down and completed the list mentioned in the following email while she was throwing up on Friday (one kid AND her had the flu this week! Hope I don't get it!) I'll post the email tying things up:
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Just wanted to say THANKS for chatting with me for a while today before our 'family chat with Dadboss present. It was truly enlightening! I really learned a lot... and have thought and thought about a lot of the 'psychology' of what we talked about, and why you may be feeling what you are.

I know you are from a family with many kids, and a mom that did everything! Me too- well, just one kid, but a stay at home mom.

But that's not the same direction you have chosen to live your life- and times have changed.

You and Dadboss wouldn't be as financially successful if you had not chosen this route- and WITH that success comes little vantage points- like outsourcing a nanny, so that in the future you will continue to be as successful as you are right now, which will better the kids' lives in the future as much as it is yours currently. While you are doing YOUR job, I am doing mine- making sure that the children are kept happy, healthy, engaged, learning something and just in general taken care of well. Also, my duties of being your nanny include lots of things to make your life away from your job more fun and manageable with Dadboss & family--- how many hours while you are not at your JOB do you spend grocery shopping, cleaning/general tidying, doing laundry, errand running, figuring out grocery/supply lists, meal prep/planning? I'm serious! Talley it up! Even the kids' rooms... that's something that could very well be designed by you/Dadboss and accomplished by me (even a little paint does wonders!). How fun would that be to have that out of the way!!!??? :-)

With THAT time you could have spent it with the kids and Dadboss being unstressed and not having those obligations to attend to. Those things could be my job as your family nanny/household manager (as we discussed), and I am more than happy to make sure that they get accomplished.

I know that may be very hard to accept coming from a very hard working family upbringing. You are STILL being hardworking taking this approach Momboss... just in a very resourceful way. You have earned the benefit of having an extra 2 hands to hold the reins of all of your daily duties.

Please look at this as a real advantage to me being there. Not a disadvantage because you find yourself being angry that you even have to *have* a nanny. I used the word 'resentful' that you need a nanny today, not quite the word... but almost. You don't want a nanny sometimes, but you need one to make things run well.

Replace the words HAVE TO, to GET TO. You *get to* have a nanny. Doesn't that sound better? AND it's reality. I'm not just there to be with the kids. In fact I'm not happy with taking on just that role, especially when they aren't there for half of the day, and I see tons of things that could be getting done during that time.

I'm in no way attempting to replace either of you ... I truly don't wish to have that position! I'm just there to assist, so that you don't have to feel so rushed and stressed. The kids miss you when you/Dadboss are gone, but everyone still NEEDS you. Even if you travel and come back to things being just as you left, and things running like a well oiled machine (as we talked about today)--- everyone still missed you just the same and please don't ever think that because you share duties that aren't doing your job as a mom . Would you prefer a well oiled machine, or complete chaos to welcome you home? We could make sure that dishes were piled to the ceiling, no homework had been tended to, no laundry had been done, things were untidy, and no groceries were in the fridge. haha. See what I mean. It's great to most always have 4 grown up hands to pitch in on things!

I'd actually love to do a list of *Nettie Responsibilities*, and *Mom and Dad Responsibilities* like we started doing at the table while we were talking- to honestly look at exactly what you want me to be a part of and exactly what you wish to have sole responsibility over, as this is where the trouble rose from last week. I think we have to make this really clear cut--- all 3 of us having very different ideas of what our own personal roles should be in this situation! And then agree on the items from here on out. I have a whole list of examples/questions dealing with this...

We'll talk more tomorrow... Again- THANKS for the chat! It was so informative. I appreciate the time taken for that.

As I said today- by no means is your at home work situation easy. It is by FFAARR my most challenging position to date. But I think clear communication and expectations will alleviate a lot of confusion!

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So that's that. Momboss is much more open and super friendly towards me the last few days since our bonding table talk session. I think the conversation we had really helped out our partnership and to begin a very good friendship. I'm very confident that this will work out until I do a career change in about 2 years... something that momboss ALSO brought up again as we were sitting at the table. Her and dadboss want to be my investors in an agency.

Very nice.

I'm so glad that things seem to be looking way up!

An incredibly positive ending! A new beginning actually!

I assume you got this job through an agency? Just some questions to think about: Did they tell you much about this family? Did they know much already? Did they ask good questions of the family? Did they have enough information to prepare you? I am guessing not!

Another thing you might consider is requiring your nannies to take an assertiveness training class, and a class about communication in the workplace. Hire a professional in those fields to come to your office and teach classes, maybe 8 hours worth or something. It seems that many of the nannies who are having trouble are young women who just don't know how to be assertive and can't communicate. They want to "avoid confrontation", and end up shooting themselves in the foot. Nannies are always coming on this board asking, "I love my family, but they (insert whatever problem you wish), and I just don't want to rock the boat! I don't know if I should say anything! How can I tell them that (whatever they are doing) is bothering me?" There seems to be a common thread here, much lack of communication, and no backbone.

From your example here, there can even be the toughest of situations that can be worked through with perseverance. It would be great if you could create an agency full of nannies with that similiar confidence. The nannies who can handle it all!

Another thought, an agency I used made a big deal out of the fact that many nannies are young women who are very sensitive to kidding and need to be treated carefully, etc. Well, this made me feel soooo confident about the whole thing! And I found out that they also make a point of telling their nannies that there are many people out there just waiting to take advantage of them. Great. Thanks for making employers look like jerks...

Ok, I know that what they are saying is true to a certain extent. However, it just seemed to me to set up the nanny/family relationship on a bad note. What a negative way to start things.

Personally, I have always enjoyed the nannies who have worked for us who are confident, can talk about their issues, and don't hold grudges about stuff. Sobbing, whining and "boo-hoo poor me" stuff is not going to go over well with me. I need a nanny who is strong, capable and has a backbone. I need someone who sees me as an equal, not just a boss. I don't want someone cow-towing to me. Bleh.

Ok, enough for now. Good night!

edited to add more stuff...

quote:

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Originally posted by mommytomygirls:
[B]Nettie, another reason this experience is going to be good for you as an agency owner is this: no doubt, you will meet more women like her looking for nannies. You will be able to have a much better initial conversation with these clients of yours, to find out why they want a nanny, what exactly they need, what their expectations are, etc. You will know better the type of nanny to match them with.

I assume you got this job through an agency? Just some questions to think about: Did they tell you much about this family? Did they know much already? Did they ask good questions of the family? Did they have enough information to prepare you? I am guessing not!

B]

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Actually, the first time that I heard of this family was when a friend of mine worked for them a little over 2 years ago. She went in tow with her newborn baby and told me 'the kids are rotten monsters! I'm quitting!' In four days, she quit.

Now again, 2 years later, another good friend of my nanny family and a good friend of mine told me that this same family was still seeking a permanent nanny and that she had referred my number to them as she thought I'd be a great match for this family. I loved a challenge and these people were 'good people.' In the 2 years, momboss has tried to work full time from home with the kids in the house and have a sitter or try out other nannies there 1-3 days a week. Imagine how well that works!

I totally agree about the nanny assertion and problem training class.

I think a good thing would be a homework assignment before they are eligable to get a position-- a sheet of written essays on how they would handle specific snafoos between them and an employer. Then go over or hire someone to see the great, good bad and ugly of what they had written. I think it may open a lot of eyes about communication being the root of a good nanny/family relationship. I think the same directed at families would be a great thing too.

quote:

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Originally posted by mommytomygirls:

Another thing you might consider is requiring your nannies to take an assertiveness training class, and a class about communication in the workplace. Hire a professional in those fields to come to your office and teach classes, maybe 8 hours worth or something. It seems that many of the nannies who are having trouble are young women who just don't know how to be assertive and can't communicate. They want to "avoid confrontation", and end up shooting themselves in the foot. Nannies are always coming on this board asking, "I love my family, but they (insert whatever problem you wish), and I just don't want to rock the boat! I don't know if I should say anything! How can I tell them that (whatever they are doing) is bothering me?" There seems to be a common thread here, much lack of communication, and no backbone.

(edited 09-25-2005).]

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Having nannies HAS helped me to be a better mother. Not all the nannies I've had have been great. Some are definitely better than others. But in general, having someone to take the girls, give me a break, let me get work done around here, etc., has been wonderful. I'm sure it has cut down on the yell factor in my household.

You know I feel that being a full-time Mom is a huge amount of work. It's like having a 100 hour a week job with no assistant. Other than your husband, but that only works if he really is a great helper. Not all women have someone like that. Add outside work to this, and you have a recipe for serious stress and breakdowns in Moms.

Anyway, point is, when you have an agency, please don't think it's bad if a Mom says having a nanny makes her a better mother. I have a feeling you wouldn't think that anyway.

edited for spelling...

I'm in a situation and mom+dad boss just had 3 huge blowups last week - almost identical situation.

Although in mine, they're in the middle of a divorce and the blowups had to do with legal things (horrible) in addition to everything else.

Whats with the "I don't want you to be mommy but you have to be because I don't take care of or know my kids?" my bosses are JUST like that, too. I don't get it.

I think some people shouldn't be legally allowed to have kids. WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING when they have no playroom, breakables in the kids room and white walls?

I can't get out of mine right now.. no place to go. But oh, i'm looking. I hope you find something soon.